So, I went to the ER. If your wondering, the bright side of the ER? All the free fluids I want and free pudding and crackers. Sweet. I guess its not really free when you think about it though huh? Lets try hard not to think at all shall we? I find that is best practice in many of life’s sticky situations.
If you are a man who gets squeamish and uncomfortable with the idea of a woman’s time of the month, I suggest you stop reading now and move down to the recipe.
This is how I have felt the last two weeks. Watch and observe.
I know I like to bake, because I still want to do it even though I almost never want to eat anymore. My appetite, due to my illness I suspect, or maybe my medications? Well-anyway, its almost entirely gone. I rely on cliff bars and ensure to get me through the day because they are easy to get down and offer me some protein. I get sick when I eat other things. I get sick when I don’t eat at all. So this is my “happy medium”.
I went thrift shopping with some of my best friends today. I was looking forward to this so much. I slept 16 hours last night just to make absolutely sure my body wouldn’t crap out on me. I was prepared. I even brought snacks for sustenance. Including the bars I will be showing you in this post.
It feels like I’ve been lit on fire, doused with water, then stung by bee’s, and attacked by bears with knives after which I was buried alive in the cold hard ground at a cursed Indian burial ground. Then, I was dug back up, dressed in a suit of meat and thrown into a pool filled with great white sharks.
I’m sorry to all those waiting for a recipe. I’m at the mercy of my body to some extent and I’ve been waiting out the storm. But I wanted to write this post because its on my heart to make something clear.
I’ve heard, so kindly, from several people that they are amazed at how strong I am, and that I’m so humble and have an inspiring relationship with God. I think it’s so sweet that everyone would say such amazing words, but I feel like I need to explain some things.
I’m aware this is not a popular view, but I don’t understand why the sun gets hot. This summer in Washington has been miserably hot. I could not be more thankful that its finally cooling off now that September has rolled around.
I mean, I’m all for light and stuff, and sunny pretty-ness is great and flowers like it and all. So yeah. I’m a fan of those ideas. But it seems to me that there should be a purpose to the heat other than making humans miserable.
Everything about people it seems is a contridiction. I’m seeing this in myself especially more and more clearly the older I get. It fascinates me that I can be so grateful to God for my blessings and so angry about my body at the exact same time. I an be thankful for my legs while I’m pissed off that it hurts to move them. I, in my on little ol’ body, can feel anger, happiness, sadness, joy, confusion, emptiness, anxiety and calm all in one moment. No wonder its such a difficult endeavor to get through a day.
And its so easy for people to hide who they really are in this world. The person whom on the outside looks so put together is often the messiest of us all, but better at controlling how it appears. The nicest person can harbor a secret awfulness wrapped in judgment and a holier than thou attitude. And then you’ve got the people who look like they are falling apart on the outside who are amazing and know exactly who they are therefore feeling no need to pretty up the “outside package”.
A wise man once said, when you have 20 dollars in your pocket, you pop some thrift store tags. And I live by those words.
When I got sick, I was in the throws of massive weight loss, (yay!) which meant my normal way with dealing with emotion was out. (eating my weight in pie.) So I adopted a new addiction in shopping. It started out small when I subscribed to a make up company sending me samples of useless make up products. I loved it. No matter what was in the package, it was like my birthday came every month when that pretty little pink package filled with stuff I’d never use came in the mail. Eventually I got too tired to even put make up on in the morning, so I switched to a jewelry subscription, thinking it was a more responsible …. Click picture to read more.
No recipes folks, Just me. Today has been an awful day, when it comes to my health. My pain and exhaustion is at an all time high. For those of you who do not know me personally, I have a disease. They don’t know what it is, but they are calling it pre-MS, essentially. “Muscular Degenerative Myelin Disease” or some such nonsense. Basically, I’m all messed up with no place to go. Today is the day, like so many others, where I sit and dream as I look through my cookbooks and question what I’m made for.
I planted an herb garden a few weeks ago…. (Continued)