Well, I think I need to explain my behavior this week.
This describes the daily battle I’m fighting.
I’m a mess. That’s basically the explanation I have for you. My pain since loosing my friend has about doubled due to the extreme grief and stress the whole thing has caused. In all that grief, my body has broken down even more than usual.
By the end of every day I am lying on the couch with my mom cradling my head in her lap as I writhe in pain asking God why he won’t take it away. The pain has been so bad that I have burned through all of my pain killers and my doctor, due to not knowing how to help me and not having a diagnosis, basically has told me to find another doctor, leaving me unable to get refills of my medications.
I can’t really explain the desperation you feel when you feel like someone has lit you on fire a majority of your day. To top it all off, I have discovered through my hair analysis that I have heavy metal poisoning to some extent (only one of the many issues) that actually causes a physical reaction of anger and violence. So every time I start to feel the pain or fear, I get angry. Then the anger makes me question the God I love and I fall into a pit of despair. I do this several times a day right now. To top that off, the pain doesn’t really allow for much sleep at all.
I believe with all my heart that God is Good all the time, which actually makes this whole thing harder. Not being truly able to blame him for this makes me feel like there is no where to place the blame and I just end up feeling all that anger on myself and despising this world for the pain it provides. It makes me hate myself for my weakness, and not trusting in God, and it makes me hate every doctor and every person who ever doubted that this pain, this burning life destroying pain, was real. It makes me hold on to bitterness and hurt that does no one any good.
Even as I find myself completely disparaging the God I love, asking him why he hates me. Asking him why he wont help me. What sin have I committed? Have I not been truly following you? I feel like Job. Completely stupefied and angry at the loss he feels. The pain he feels.
But God is good. Today is the perfect example of my current perfect storm existence. It started out bad. I hadn’t slept at all, and I was already starting the day in pain.
Then there was good news.
My parents and I called my cellular analyst and spoke with him for an hour and a half because the pain has been so unbearable and we needed help. He walked me through the entire process of why my body was behaving the way it was, and is sending an herbal treatment that he is absolutely sure will help with my pain. Not only will it help with my pain, it will likely work within 15-45 minutes of using it. WAY faster than a pain pill with less side effects. He said he would have it to me within a week. I was ecstatic! After years of going to doctors who couldn’t help me with the pain, this patch he was sending has worked on this same kind of pain almost %100 of the time! How close I felt to God in that moment. Crying in joy as I recognized that I wouldn’t have to keep taking these awful opiates that I hate. And that it would work more efficiently>? It felt like unreal news. Better than I could have ever expected.
But then I ran out of pain pills. And I realized that I couldn’t make it through an entire week with NO HELP with my pain while I waited for my pain patch to arrive. In this moment, the fear set in. Terrified of 7 days and 7 nights of burning hellfire on my skin. Of no sleep. Of no rest. I couldn’t do it. I can’t do it. Unbearable! How could God ask this of me? How could he do this? So I felt the anger come in on the tail of my fear. And it rumbled in my gut spurred on by heavy metals poisoning my body and mind. And all of the sudden in a matter of minutes I went from feeling blessed by God to completely abandoned. I cried, and wrote my previous doctor that had dropped me asking for help, texted friends asking for help. Anything. Wrote my heart out on my facebook wall because I NEEDED to not be alone in this and God had left me. No matter how many people reach out to me, something about this pain leaves you feeling so endlessly alone. I was convinced, yet again, in my weakness, that God had forsaken me. That he hated me and I hated him too.
Then I got a call telling me that my previous doctor had filled enough for me to last the week. And I was back in the graces of a God who loved me. Hours wasted of fear, anger, sadness and a feeling of abandonment all while God worked out his perfect plan for the child he loved who doubted him.
How fickle am I? How tired he must be of my incredible lack of faith in weakness when he always comes through. Often much later than I want, but still. How many times will I doubt the God that has endured much more pain than I could ever know? How many times must I ask him why he’s forsaken me before I realize that he is behind me the whole time, where I cant see him fighting my demons away.
I am in pain like I have never known. Like I believe most have never known and I hope most will never know. And I’m so sorry for the roller coaster of my emotions that is happening because of all these crazy imbalances in my body. I know I scare people when I talk about it, and I don’t mean too. God knows, all I’m looking for is a hand to hold and a heart to hear me out as I try not to burn in the fire of my life. I don’t want to feel like I’m dying alone. And that is how it feels, even with my head being cradled in my moms hands.
Pain sets you apart. It deceives you. Throws you into an impenetrable cage where you can’t be reached. Where people can see you fighting but you can’t see them trying to help.
As all this is continuing to happen, I have decided that I’m going to take a break from facebook until my pain settles down. I don’t want the same fear I felt in hearing of my friends death to be the fear I cause in my friends in family.
I am safe in God, I am safe in him alone. I have not given up. I will not give up. But I am messy. I am an angry, messy, doubting human being racked with pain, guilt, anger, sadness and a deep feeling of false loneliness. But this too shall pass. And God will see me through it. For he is good, even when I can’t see it.