I have a dear friend,
His name is Robert. Bob lost a battle this week. He shot himself and no one knows why. We start a new year with a disheartening loss. One that the world couldn’t afford to lose, but it did anyway. In this new year, instead of celebrating the beginning of a new year, I wanted to write my friend a letter celebrating his life.
My Dearest friend,
It was a gun you used. The same type of machinery that my brother used to teach me how to defend myself. The same piece of machinery I’ve looked at, held in my hands a thousand times. Hands that have grasped for joy, and for peace. Hands that have held a child, and cooked a meal for you. Hands that touched your shoulder as we hugged goodbye the last time I saw you. Hands that ached in such pain as they held on for dear life to what little they had left of your soul, and still we had to watch it run through our fingers.
It was a gun you held. What were you thinking as you looked at your hands? The hands that held your child, and held your lovers hands. Where you were thinking the same things I fight through every day of my life? Wondering why you’re alive. What is it all mean? Is there purpose? Are you good enough? And how the hell can any of it be worth all of this pain?
Did you wonder the same questions we all have asked? How can people be so horrible? How can they not see what is right in front of them? How can they not notice the clues you slip into conversation? The cries for help that are loud but never loud enough to get through all the bull shit. All the selfishness, and the noise.
Did people do it to you too? Know that you needed help and send you on your way without the hope you grasped for? Or did you do it to yourself? Did you think that no one would understand? Or care? Did you think you wouldn’t be needed or missed? You were wrong, dear friend. You are needed. You will always be missed.
You fought the same fight that we all do. An underdog fighting against the odds. Against the pain. Against the enemy. You were caught by surprise in a battle and given a tool you were told would fix it. Like an apple that shows you the mysteries of the world.
My dearest friend, you lost this battle, but I believe with all of my heart God won this war. Satan had no hold on you. He may have confused you, He did everything he could to defeat you. He showed you a way out and told you it was the only way out. Like Adam you were confused. You wanted more from this life. We all do.
But like Satan in the garden, he did not win your soul. I thank God for his grace, and his knowing your beautiful heart. Your giving and kind spirit. Your laugh that reverberated around the room, making everyone smile. I thank God and rejoice in knowing that you are holding dear to your saviors hand now. That you have found the peace that eluded you on this earth. I rejoice that the hand you used to leave this world has been washed clean, as has your soul, and your pain. And you live in the kingdom the lord promised his good and faithful servant, living Pure and joyfully as you were always meant to be.
He has healed the broken hearted and bound up your wounds. – Psalm 147:3
His grace is sufficient for you, for his power is made perfect in our weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more proudly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2nd Corinthians 12:9
You are far more beautiful than so many have ever chosen to be and still somehow they live on and you die. Satan keeps winning these battles. Each person’s heart is a battle. And these days it looks bleak for us, as it seems from where we all stand that he wins so many. But HE WILL NOT WIN THE WAR, for one simple reason.
For everyone who calls upon the name of the lord will be saved. –Romans 10:13
You worshiped a God stronger than you were. Stronger than I am. One that will take all of us and supply the justice we were always unable to give, or decide for ourselves and others.
Goodbye my friend. I know you lost this battle, but God won the war of your life. I know he did. And I leave you with one last thought, which is from the bible once again. “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ”. I was there in your life, watching God’s good work happening in you, and I can’t wait to see you again on that day of completion, in all our perfect glory! I love you, and you will be missed so much.
If you would like to help out Robert’s wife and child in getting back on their feet after such a large tragedy, a good friend of hers has set up a gofundme account. Anything helps, no pressure of course. Just wanted to leave the option for those reading. You’ll find the link here: https://www.gofundme.com/nugzcf78