Did she fall of the face of the earth?

That is likely what your thinking. Did she die? Is that why the blogging stopped? I HAVE MISSED YOU. Luckily for all of us, I am still currently breathing. I’m dreadfully sorry for the huge break since my last post. Here is a pretty picture of fruit to incline you toward forgiving me. Am I forgiven? Or do we need artificial sugar? How about some ice cream? Well, at least let me explain myself. So, our home computer broke. This, this is not good when you run a blog. And trying to blog on your phone is… Well its complicated when you have fat fingers. Which I do. However! I wanted to update everyone. And because I’m sick and working part time, and buying a computer is the financial equivalent of buying a new body part, I can’t afford one. Unless of course, I sell my own body parts. The problem is, I don’t want to go through all the trouble of putting my body parts on craigslist only to find out that no one wants them because they are damaged goods. Nobody wants a sick girls body parts. I can’t handle the rejection. But, I suppose that’s a good thing. No one will try to kill me for my kidneys. But lets move on, shall we? Things were getting better. And then, they got worse again. But, I’m hoping this is like one of those times when you’re trying to loose weight and you loose 50 pounds, then gain 10, and then stay at that weight for a year while you’re still trying to loose weight. It’s infuriating. Those plateau’s, as they call them. And if you’re a skinny minnie who doesn’t have any idea what I’m talking about: A.)I hate you. (because I’m jealous) and B.)Why are you reading a food blog that is 90% sugar? That’s just masochism. As I was saying, things got better. I can scarcely believe it myself. But they are better, even on my worst days. My energy level is very, very slowly moving up. I still move like a sloth, but I move. So that’s like… huge. Matter of fact, because I’m all the sudden moving so much more I’m starting to realize just how out of shape I am from all the years of being sedentary. I’m like… Itching to exercise. Which is hysterical because I HATE EXCERSISE. But I’m telling you, even things you hate become things you want desperately the sec0nd your told you can’t do them. I don’t want to run the mile, but the second you tell me its something I’ll never be able to do again, I’m devastated. Tell me I can’ eat raw meat? Ya okay, that’s going to far. My doctor, who’s not exactly a doctor- more a naturopath? He’s totally rocking this healing business. There is some really great things happening. I’m feeling better. For a while there, My pain had gone from a 9-10 to a 4-5 on a regular basis. My energy had skyrocketed. I was actually living my life to at least some extent. The pain has gone back up, and the exhaustion too for what I hope is a short time, but I’m reading again, which I haven’t been able to do for a while because of burning eyes, or exhaustion. I’m spending time with my friends again. Occasionally going to church events. And the best part ever? I am BAKING again. My friends are most excited about this I suspect. I mean, don’t get me wrong. They like me too. But the food? Come on. Now- I am in no way completely healed. As I mentioned above, over the last month or so I’ve been worsening. My pain has shot up again and my energy has lowered. But I hear this is common practice for the average healing process. But I am hopeful. And that is something I was not 6 months ago. I have faith. We still don’t really have any diagnosis. But what am I doing you may ask? Exactly what Elyon Williams tells me to do. For instance, I take a lot of supplements. But almost everything is natural. If you’ve read my blog in the past, you will probably be aware of this naturopath/ DNA specialist I’ve been seeing. He does everything over the phone, through email and text, and sends you everything you need by mail. I have been under his care for almost 6 months. And I am so incredibly flabbergasted that what he is doing is actually working. If you are sick, and you can’t find a diagnosis, or anything to help, I highly recommend this type of care. Shoot me a comment and I will find you the information you need to get started. I am spreading this news like wildfire. I want everyone to find the advocate they need. Healthcare doesn’t make room for so many of us, that don’t fit into their rigid little boxes. I searched for an advocate for many years, all while being called fat, lazy, a liar, a drug addict and crazy. Finally I found it in this guy. This man who says “please don’t call me a doctor.” Whatever he is, whatever he does, its working way better than any western medicine I have tried over the years. He has me on these pain patches that I swear are from heaven. I think God sent the angel Gabriel down on a unicorn and when no one was looking the unicorn pooped these out as a gift to the world. They are MAGICAL. They are also Expensive. Like… $87 for 1 pack, which lasts me less than a month. But they are worth it because you start to remember what its like to be human again. To be a real, functioning, happy human being. Mind you, I don’t think the unicorn intended for people to have to pay for the patches, but we live in a cooperate society, so it is what it is. In honor of this extremely exciting new situation, where i’m remembering life as it once was, I find I am trying to do absolutely everything at the exact same […]

A lesson in gratefulness? A revelation? A blessing.

I went to Roberts funeral today. It broke my heart to see his beautiful smile before me in a picture at the pulpit, sitting next to his red bass guitar never to be touched by his hands again. It’s been so long since I had seen that smile. Really seen it. Sitting there, as I was listening to the pastor speaking about his life, it made me realize something. Bob had a really good life. He was in a lot of pain that he didn’t share, no doubt he was fighting a hard battle that he just couldn’t fight any more. But his life, however short it was, so clearly affected so many. He moved the world with the joy of his spirit a midst the hardest battle of his life. He loved, he laughed, he smiled. Always. God shined through him. After the funeral, I went home and looked through old photo’s and video’s of the time I had with him. I found myself laughing more than crying, remembering his joyful spirit and how much completely ridiculous fun we had. So I kept looking. Kept watching. Then, when I ran out of pictures of Bob, I kept going. I ended up searching through every photo and video I have from 2006 to now. And looking at all the faces of the good times and wonderful people God has placed in my life, it made me take stock. Of everything. It made me see my life clearly for the first time in a long time. It gave me my hope back just in the nick of time. Just as I was completely emptied out. God has a way of doing that, have you noticed? Like Bob, I’m fighting a gruesome, awful battle that often makes me loose sight of what’s important. A battle a lot of people don’t see. A battle I often can’t see past. But the lord has written it on my heart once again that which he wrote so long ago. To focus on that which is true, and noble. Whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—Those are the things I should be focusing on. Just like Bob, I have a wonderful life. This post is my way of focusing on that which is good. And a lot of what is good? That’s you.   My dearest friends. My family. You make my life full. Isn’t that what all this is about? What all this fight is for? John 13:34. A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. Human connection. It’s so much more important, and more lasting than we give it credit for. It means so much more than we recognize. I don’t think I realized until today that every single person with which I have a relationship carries with them a piece of my heart. Years can pass. Decades. Marriages. Births. Deaths. Fights. An entire world can set you apart from them and yet, there is no parting with the piece of your heart they carry or the piece of theirs with you. My heart, therefore, is scattered all throughout this world. That’s how I want it. A piece of it living with my friend Dave in Illinois. A part of it with my cousin in Nashville. What about the person I befriended from Africa? Where is he now? He has a piece. And then there are those who have passed, moved on to be with God. My beautiful grandmother, and irreplaceable Bob. Part of my heart is up there in heaven with them as well. It’s a terrifying thing to truly love someone. Much less so many. It leaves you open to a world filled with pain. Mourning, grief and betrayal. But it leaves you open to so much good as well. I couldn’t regret it even if I tried… And believe me, there have been times I have tried. Times where relationships left me on the floor in tears, raw and broken. Or throwing a dish across the room angry.  Those who have hurt me, those who have loved me, those who have left me, and those who have stayed. In the end, it really doesn’t matter. They are always carrying the part of my heart that I gave them long ago. And amazingly enough, even when you think you are tapped out, there is always another piece of heart to give. I get distracted a lot by my pain. I forget how much love there is. How many people hold my heart. And how incredibly grateful I am that they have given me a piece of theirs. I don’t see many of them these days. Unfortunately being sick has taken away a lot of the energy that I used to maintain relationships. There are more days than I care to admit where I can’t even brush my hair. But I realized today, crying over a lost loved one, mourning after a piece of my broken heart, that it was so important to me that these friends, these holders of my heart, know that my love for them is as strong as it was the day we last saw each other. At our best moments is where my heart remains. At our happiest times is where my focus lies. I remain with them through their ups and downs, joys and sorrows, and I will remain with them until death. I choose love. Painful, raw, wonderful love. I hope one day I will get better, and I get to have a HUGE party followed by thousands of small ones where I can rekindle all of these friendships. Meet new spouses or babies. Hug them again, laugh with them again. I want to fly to California, and Illinois, and Nashville, Ireland and Oregon. I want travel across oceans and desserts and see the world with the people who share my heart. But I don’t know […]

I can do this.

Hi Everyone, Happy holidays! Here’s the turkey we ate for thanksgiving: A chocolate peanut butter turkey. JEALOUS!? Ya. Can’t say I blame you.

Why I haven’t been around much.

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting lately. It’s been so long since I’ve blogged I’m sure there are readers wondering if the seemingly un-diagnosable disease I have has finally killed me. I’m happy-ish to report that it has not.

Trip To the Emergency Room

So, I went to the ER. If your wondering, the bright side of the ER? All the free fluids I want and free pudding and crackers. Sweet. I guess its not really free when you think about it though huh? Lets try hard not to think at all shall we? I find that is best practice in many of life’s sticky situations.

Bourbon Chocolate Pecan Pie Bars, aka Derby Pie Bars.

I went thrift shopping with some of my best friends today. I was looking forward to this so much. I slept 16 hours last night just to make absolutely sure my body wouldn’t crap out on me. I was prepared. I even brought snacks for sustenance. Including the bars I will be showing you in this post.

I Am Not Strong

I’m sorry to all those waiting for a recipe. I’m at the mercy of my body to some extent and I’ve been waiting out the storm. But I wanted to write this post because its on my heart to make something clear.

I’ve heard, so kindly, from several people that they are amazed at how strong I am, and that I’m so humble and have an inspiring relationship with God. I think it’s so sweet that everyone would say such amazing words, but I feel like I need to explain some things.

No recipe this time folks, just me.

No recipes folks, Just me. Today has been an awful day, when it comes to my health. My pain and exhaustion is at an all time high. For those of you who do not know me personally, I have a disease. They don’t know what it is, but they are calling it pre-MS, essentially. “Muscular Degenerative Myelin Disease” or some such nonsense. Basically, I’m all messed up with no place to go. Today is the day, like so many others, where I sit and dream as I look through my cookbooks and question what I’m made for.

I planted an herb garden a few weeks ago…. (Continued)